Sunday, July 15, 2012

Friend me?

Hi, Jennillee!

First of all, I luv the ddoouubbllee spellings in your name!  So I’m applying to be your Facebook friend!  Perchance any openings?
Jennillee! Thank YOU so MUCH for actually writing back to me.  I can’t tell you how rare that is.  Not that I do this often!  I’m not like a stalker or anything (and anyway, I’m a girl, so go figure). I do understand you have no availability.  I think when you say “At the present time, Jennillee has no available openings for friends” that’s pretty clear.  I’m just sort of wondering if I could send you some more cool data about myself, like my SAT scores or my haircut (a picture, I mean!).  Do you have a waiting list?
Okay, sure, I get it, you STILL have no availability which is totally, totally cool :-) 
But look, maybe you’ll reconsider and hit the refresh button on your automatic reply if I tell you that I’m like really important on KLOUT.  Like I even got Bill Murray to tweet me before he passed away.  TINAL! (That is not a lie!).  So obviously I’m a person of influence and will RAISE your KLOUT score!  How 'bout hitting that 'confirm'?  Got to luv my chutzpop!
I am attaching a list of my friends.  Maybe it’s that you don’t appreciate just how popular I am, but 3042 people can’t be wrong!  If you look at my profile, and I hope you will, consider two things: one, I’m not a crazy person.  Two . . . I forgot two.  But about being crazy, I knew Bill Murray hadn’t died but you have to admit that he looks like he wants to be dead in most of his movies.  
I’m back!  I hope you won’t think I have trouble with boundary issues.  I’m just a super friendly person and know it would be really fun for both of us if you accepted my friend request.  Now I don’t want you to freak, but I noticed your friend count went down by one since last time I wrote.  I didn’t want to mention anything at first because it could just be a glitch and sometimes my number bobs up and down a little too.  Usually, I track down all 3042 friends to see who dropped me and I find the culprit (ha!), but I’m not like saying everybody does that.  Just as a favor, though, I did go through your list and compared it with the 424 pages of your friend list two days ago that I printed out and found the problem!  It was Royce McIntyre!  He sounds sort of Irish so maybe he has enough American friends!  I can’t imagine you’d drop him or any of your friends, but just in case you did (poor Royce!) that means you have one more opening because now you’re at 4999.  Color me Xcited!
I looked up “cease and desist” orders and they’re for like crazy bill collectors and pesky time-share people who hound you until you bleed.  I don’t think you really meant to send me that message.  I just want to be friends.  Is that so bad?  If you really think it’s not a good idea, and you honestly don’t like my little challenge of asking you to guess what emoticon I’m going to send you on the half hour, I guess I can take a hint.  I’ll just wait for your reply because I know sometimes that in the heat of the moment I rush to conclusions too and make rash judgments that I really regret.  :-E (this means vampire! but don’t worry because I’m not really a vampire and going to suck your blood or anything!!!)


Saturday, May 12, 2012

What Republicans Mean When They Say . . .

Taxes:  see ‘stealing’

Immigration: see ‘invasion’

Gay marriage: see ‘Book of Revelations’

Inequality: see 'Where?'

Moderate: see 'wuss' (urban dictionary).

Torture: see 'Where?'

The Dream Act: see 'Dreaming'

Women’s Reproductive Rights: see N/A

Climate Change: see Partly Cloudy With Chance of Rain.

UN: see Takeover

Takeover: see UN

Corporate Takeover: see Prosperity

The Right to Bear Arms: see 'immigration' above.

Budget: see 'tax shelter'

Fiscal Conservative: see 'Swiss Bank Account'

Deficit: see 'Public Employees'

Social Conscience: see 'The Dream Act'